According to a recent article in The Atlantic, conscious parents might do a great job of raising confident girls in their early years, yet once they hit puberty, their confidence starts to drop dramatically — creating substantial implications long into adulthood.
Even if you have young gutsy girls who play as hard as boys on the playground (or even harder) and do incredibly well in school, as puberty sets in, these same daughters can somehow “transform into unrecognizably timid, cautious, risk-averse versions of their former self.”
Until the age of 12, there was virtually no difference in confidence between boys and girls.
But, because of the drop-off girls experienced during puberty, by the age of 14 the average girl was far less confident than the average boy. According to the survey completed by the article’s authors, girls went from saying things like:
“I make friends really easily—I can go up to anyone and start a conversation” and “I love writing poetry and I don’t care if anyone else thinks it’s good or bad.”
To
“I feel like everybody is so smart and pretty and I’m just this ugly girl without friends,” and “I feel that if I acted like my true self that no one would like me.”
This is an especially big problem, because the lack of confidence means taking fewer risks, and over the span of one’s life, it’s the risk-taking and rebounding that proves most fruitful for becoming a healthy adult.
What can you do about nurturing confidence, so that it sticks from an early age?
Teach your daughters how to reflect upon experiences they’ve had without attaching meaning to the outcomes or results.
For example, since science has shown that women tend to be prone to rumination, encourage your daughters to look at experiences objectively, learning how to separate behavior and outcome from personal worth.Be the outlier within society.
Rather than following the cultural trend that rewards girls for people-pleasing, perfectionist behaviors because it makes your life easier for a child to fall in line with what you want to do now, encourage a defiant nature. Support your daughter in asking the hard questions. Allow her to be disruptive and follow her own hero’s journey.Help your daughter if she’s setting impossibly high standards for herself, by encouraging self-compassion practices, such as mindfulness, meditation, or journaling.
Make it a safe space to fail.
It’s the “making mistakes” in life that help us learn, but if we don’t make it okay for our children to know that failure is okay and taking risks is worth it, then they won’t have the foundation upon which to launch themselves into C-suite careers or entrepreneurial endeavors.Sign your daughter up for a competitive sport, debate team, or a cause they believe in.
Sports are a great way for your daughter to experience loss, failure, and resilience. Yet, the same skills can be acquired by trying out for a school play, canvassing for an environmental cause, and more — “as long as there is a move outside of her comfort zone, and a process of struggle and mastery, confidence will usually be the result.” Besides, given that 94% of C-suite female executives played on a competitive sport when they were younger, there’s something to be said about learning these life skills early on.
You can even get this motto printed on a t-shirt: Failure is okay. Risk is worth it.
Remember, up until now, girls have internalized the opposite message — if we can be the right leaders inspiring them to show up in their innate brilliance, which may mean that we as parents also have to challenge ourselves with our confidence too, then we’ll all be the better for it.
What ways are you encouraging confidence in your children, especially your girls?
青春期如何扼殺少女的信心
根據The Atlantic的一篇文章中提到，比較有意識的家長會在女孩的成長初期，努力提升她的自信心，這是因為一旦女孩進入青春期，她們的自信心會驟降，所造成的影響之大，甚至會連帶到成年後的生活。
即便你有一個在遊樂場玩得跟男孩子一樣瘋（甚至更瘋狂）、在校表現優異的女兒，一旦進入青春期，明明是同樣一個女兒，會不知何故地「轉變成一個與之前迥然不同的自己，變得膽小、小心翼翼、抗拒冒險」。
一直到12歲為止，男孩和女孩在信心方面實際上並沒什麼差別。
不過，由於女孩在青春期經歷的落差，一般女孩在14歲時相較同齡的男孩缺乏信心。根據文章作者所完成的研究，女孩從類似：
「我真的很容易交到朋友，我可以和任何人交談。」或是「我喜歡寫詩，我不在乎其他人認為我的詩寫得好或是寫得不好。」
變成：
「我覺得好像每個人都很聰明，很美，而我只是一個難看又沒有朋友的女生」和「我覺得如果我做真正的自己，沒有人會喜歡我。」
這真是一個很嚴重的問題，因為缺乏信心意味著缺乏冒險，而在整個人生歷程當中，冒險和復原（rebounding）已被證實是形成一個健康的人生最重要的因素。
該如何從小培養孩子自信心，且持續到長大人成人呢？
1. 讀這本書The Confidence Code for Girls. (「女孩信心密碼」)
2. 教你的女兒如何反思過去的經驗，但不為這些結果附加任何意義。比如說， 科學已經證明女孩較擅長思考，那就鼓勵你女兒客觀地看待這些經驗，學習將個人價值，與行為和結果區分開來。
3. 成為社會中的異類：與其跟隨社會主流文化中那種認為女生應該討好他人和完美主義，不如鼓勵「抗拒」的本性，因為讓孩子跟著你的規矩走，其實只是讓你自己的生活更輕鬆。鼓勵你女兒問很難的「硬問題」，鼓勵她顛覆傳統，踏上自己的英雄旅程。
4. 如果你的女兒為自己訂下過高的標準，你可以鼓勵她自我疼惜、善待自己（Self Compassion），比如正念減壓、靜坐冥想、寫日記等，都是不錯的練習。
5. 創造一個容許失敗的安全空間：生命中的錯誤會幫助我們學會，若我們沒有讓孩子認為失敗是ok的，且願意承擔這個風險，那她們將缺乏讓她努力邁向更高的成就或事業的基礎。
6. 幫你女兒報名一個競賽性運動、辯論隊或一個他們支持的理念。運動是一個讓孩子經歷失落、失敗、然後恢復的好方法。另外像是透過學校活動，提倡自己所支持的環境議題等很多其他方法，也可以得到同樣的效果。重點是，要讓她踏出舒適圈，經歷帶有挫折與掌握的過程，爾後獲得自信。另外，有鑑於94%的女性高階主管，在年少時都曾參與競賽性運動，因此關於學習這些技能，真的是越早越好。
你甚至客製化一件T恤，上面寫著 —— Failure is okay. Risk is worth it. 失敗是ok的，冒險是值得的。
請記得，直到目前為止，女孩的內心蘊含著完全相反的訊息。如果我們能正確的引導，啟發他們展現與生俱來的光芒；同時間，我們作為家長也要有自信能面對這樣的自我挑戰。那麼，彼此都會成為更好的自己。
那你會用什麼方法來培養孩子的自信心，特別是女孩子的自信心呢？